


Old Shoals

by CicadianRhythm



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, MEMORIES LIGHT THE CORNERS OF MY MIND, Mother's Day, Nautical Puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-12
Updated: 2014-05-12
Packaged: 2018-01-24 10:48:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1602314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CicadianRhythm/pseuds/CicadianRhythm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Her Imperious Condescension experiences something vaguely resembling nostalgia, and a very confused John Egbert puns for his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Old Shoals

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT 11/27/15  
> Look guys, I'm going to be honest with you. I wrote this on my phone during an early morning ride to the airport, and it's as bad as that makes it sound. I can't delete it, but it's a sad little critter.
> 
> Go ahead and read it if you're really into puns and lazy cliches, or like crazy jonesing for some John and Evil Ancient Fish Mom conversation, just know you're probably gonna cringe. 
> 
> I'll be out there somewhere, nodding and cringing with you.

Reality shivered at him, and John blinked as he found himself staring at a wall.

Two inches forward and he would have been inside it. Was that a thing that could happen? He knew you could glitch into scenery in normal games, and how ironic would it be for the magical teleportation god's brother to die of accidentally having his torso jammed in the floor. Davesprite would love it. Probably Davedave would too, and John could actually tell him now, it would almost be worth it to get a good Dave ramble sans bird puns after so long.

A chittering hiss tore through his thoughts, and he made a face at the wall.

The very purple wall.

Goddamn it.

Hunching his shoulders up to his ears, he took a peek at the room behind him.

More purple. Lots of gold stuff too, but it looked more like glitzy decoration than anything prospit related. It was kind of egregious, from the tacky shell pattern on the lamp shade to the tacky coral chair backs that looked really uncomfortable to the tips of the pink carpets fibers. That actually looked kind of cool, in a weird only missed tacky by accident way.

He didn't see any windows he could breeze through, that was a shame.

He did see a giant fish alien with aggressively visible teeth though, he definitely saw one of those.

Welp.

"Um. Hi?"

She -The Condesce? He didn't know who else it could be, she was a dead ringer (hehehe) for Meenah- stared at him, her hiss petering out as her expression rolled through a glare to exasperated recognition, ending in something like a warm sneer.

"What the fuck."

John gave a nervous laugh, still slightly hunched. "Would you believe this was all a wacky dream?"

"Sure. Figure now I'll pinch you till I wake up." She grinned, making a show of pinching the air with some frankly unsettling claws. 

(They were also gold.)

He couldn't windy thing out the door without passing her, and even though he wasn't really sure how mind control worked, attempting to escape while physically intangible seemed like the sort of thing that would make someone use it on you, a prospect inspiring fierce Do Not Want in him. 

He spread his fingers into a jittery set of jazz hands "Actually I'm an illusion,is what I said the first time."

"You got three seconds till I fork you, blue boy."

He couldn't help it, he snickered.

The Condesce raised an eyebrow, looking very deliberately unimpressed. "Somefin funny boat that? You been despearately seaurchin for somebody kind enough to ventilate you or somefin?

"No I'm pretty good on that. It's just funny, the more things change the more they stay the same, y'know?"

"Nope, that's dumb."

"Is not."

"Totally is."

"Nu-uh."

"Fuck this, three seconds are up, " She crooked a finger "Afta stab you now, get over here."

"It was just an observation! Also, please don't." 

She shrugged, "Sorry small fry, but you sassed me up. That means a one way trip to cull city, population: a fuckton, because I'm a planet conchering empress and I krill people. That is literally I thing I do."

Shit shit shit.

"I'm sorry I sassed you up Ms. The Condesce, "

She crossed her arms.

"I'm sorry I then mini-sassed you by calling you Ms The Condesce."

"That's better. You're lucky, squirt. It's only my beneelvolent graciousness keepin me from smearing you across the carpet. And because I don't want my beachin carpet stained with alien."

"It is a great carpet."

"Fuck yeah it is."

"Can I ask you something?"

"No."

"I'm still gonna."

"I can get new carpet, you know."

He nodded, "Whats the actual reason you haven't killed me yet?"

She scowled, curling a light hiss through her breath and looking like she was about be casually murderous again.

Haa, not good. Backup, red alert Captain, we're taking on water.

Wait.

Well, there's an idea.

"I mean, reely."

The Condesce froze, her glare wobbling precariously.

"You getting seasumptuous at me again, buoy?" 

"Oh, I didn't mean to. I'm shorey if it appiered that way," he said, watching her carefully. Her lips kept twitching, and she was forcing her squint into something dramatic.

Oh hell yes, if puns were the price of not dying he would make so many puns. So coddamn many.

"Bullship. I sink you're tryin to butter me up"

"Oar," he said, pointing at her like he'd found the fatal flaw in her logic, "raybe I'm trying to be polite."

She rolled her eyes, but he could see the edges of a laugh on her shoulders.

Hook, line and sinker.

"Sea: Bullship. I minnow how to run a ploy, you little kipper."

"Kipper?"

"Nipper. Means brat."

"Oh. Sank you."

"You're shellcome. Where'd you tern all these water puns anywave?"

"Bream shenanigans." He shrugged, "Long shorery."

"Make it breef."

"My fronds and I have pun fights. Though at first I guess I terned by example!"

"Aw shell no, you shoal that one, no points!" she groused, propping her hands on her hips like she was scolding him despite her now horrifyingly toothy grin.

"Well, dam. Exsalmonple?"

"Ha, beta. I've codda hand it to ya, you're knot as completely lame at this as most humans. "

"Yes, I'm pretty krait. A regullar jest mast-er," he said, wiggling his eye brows.

"Don't get crocky, you're still not off the hook for busting in on my business uninvited like."

"Yeah I reely don't understand why I'm still alive."

"Whatever."

"Wow. That shore cleared things up."

Which wasn't that bad of a come back considering how sharply she'd broken their rhythm (Oh fuck he'd had a punning rhythm with The Condece what was even happening today), but she didn't even twitch. It was like she hadn't heard him, or like he'd just put the rhetorical cap on a bottle of small talk, stupid noise that was never meant to get a response, and he was struck by how clearly not Meenah this woman was.

For all their resemblance, he couldn't imagine Meenah not oozing with whatever she was thinking, or just saying it as soon as she thought it, she was so far from subtle she probably didn't know it was a thing you could be, and Her Imperious Condescension had all the same confidence and ease and in that still second of non-reaction he could see her making choices. She chose the way she was acting, however much she was enjoying this she had a filter, a good filter, and he had no idea what that meant.

He was torn between stalling for more time and a chance to glitch away, or just turning back to his wall and slamming his head against it until he stopped pushing the weirdly not murdering him shark lady towards the reasonable and expected course of murdering the hell out of him.

But seriously, why wasn't she murdering the hell out of him?

"Did the part of your brain that knows when to clam up just never come on or somefin?" And she actually sounded irritated this time, not just gruff or mocking and he really hoped she was only going to kill him, so he could come back -because this can't be heroic, and no way was that sass funny enough make it just- and then finally, finally glitch out of here, when she snorted. 

"The more things change, the more they stay the same, huh?" She muttered, shaking her head. "How the shell did you even get in here?"

"Well. I kinda stuck my arm in a reality hole and now I randomly teleport through time and or space. Sometimes both. I was kind of guessing it would happen again any second now."

She nodded slowly, pursing her lips

"You are the coddest kid."

The blessed shiver glow started to wash through him again, and he tossed her a cheerful thumbs up "I do my best. Sea ya!"

Then he was gone, and The Batterwitch was alone.

She turned back to her lunch.

"Yeah, sea ya around shrimp."

He'd always had the weirdest talent for rolling with fucked up shit. At least this version didn't try to squirt her with his stupid prank bow tie.


End file.
